Wife left me, 21 year old had an affair and doesnt want to settle?
Here is the quick story, both of us are 21 married for 3 years dated for 1 year prior to that. Always very close, worked together, went to school together, everything. She has always had low self esteem issues and our fights had gotten physical these last few months. She took a trip with her bf to Las Vegas and cheated on me with a Swiss guy. After she came back she wanted space and told me she loved me and all of this. She took 3 more trips to Vegas and went all the way with the guy and was very open about it. The fourth time the guy bought her a plane ticket to San Diego and she spent the weekend with him. She is not regretful at all of what she has done and only broke down one time saying i didnt deserve that and she was sorry. It has been one month and since then we have met 3 times and got intimate. Its so hard missing her it is the worse. She is into party mode with her friends and I just dont know if my marriage its worth fighting for. To me she is very confused and I told her to cut all communication with me. To make matters worse we bought our home 5 months ago and I told her she still has the mortgage responsibility. Should I have given her the ultimatum to stop talking to eachother? I told her we cant be friends and I wont be her enemy. I feel like I am holding on after all of this. Church and guidance from friends from church has really helped me but it is biased and I need the strength to let go or see what happens. Should I be friends with her from far? We share some online college classes and I want to borrow her book since I never got mine. This is destroying me so much I never thought I was so weak. This might be absurd but do i ignore her and cut all communication with her? I feel that if i do this she will forget about me. Please if you have any advice i will gladly take it
I’m sorry to say this, but your wife is no longer interested in being married to you. I suggest you cut your losses and be glad this happened at 21, not when you’re 40 with 4 kids on top of a mortgage.
I say throw in the towel on this one. I’m really sorry. I can feel how unhappy you are and I wish I could help.
As for communicating with her in the future, I don’t see why you’d ever want to. She’s already shown she has no regard for you - all you’ll do is go crazy hoping to get her back.
September 29th, 2009 at 9:31 am
dude get a grip ok. you need to let her go. she doesn’t’ care about you. finish school get a good job and then find you a nice wife that you can trust. i am sure your still young enough to get a real women.
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September 29th, 2009 at 9:51 am
To me, it seems you want to fight for the marriage more then she does. It seems to me, that she doesn’t want the commitment of a marriage. I think if you want it to work, you have to see if she’ll attend marriage counseling with you. If she refuses, she doesn’t respect your feelings or your commitment to the marriage.
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September 29th, 2009 at 10:34 am
She is openly cheating on you and you still have sex with her? I hope you used protection! She is a loser, do not have any further contact with her and have her sign a quick claim so that she has no more interest in your home. Move on from her, she’s just a mess. Buy your own books. Classes aren’t that long. Good luck.
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September 29th, 2009 at 11:17 am
I’m sorry to say this, but your wife is no longer interested in being married to you. I suggest you cut your losses and be glad this happened at 21, not when you’re 40 with 4 kids on top of a mortgage.
I say throw in the towel on this one. I’m really sorry. I can feel how unhappy you are and I wish I could help.
As for communicating with her in the future, I don’t see why you’d ever want to. She’s already shown she has no regard for you - all you’ll do is go crazy hoping to get her back.
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September 29th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Unfortunately, your wife has deeper issues that you can’t help her with. Married too young? Maybe. The fact is, is that she willingly put her marriage at risk repeatedly by traveling to see this guy. It just confirms that she has no respect for you or your life together. I think you should pickup the pieces and salvage what you can. The trust has been violated and THAT is really hard to recover from, if ever (I didn’t). Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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September 29th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Very sorry about your problem. Head over to http://www.Survivinginfidelity.com to begin to go through the most appropriate process for you. It would be glib to say that this is over and you just have to get on with it, affairs are always much more complicated. The basics are however, that she has to have some remorse and wants to reconcile, without that this is a very tough road. If she wants to reconcile, then she has to decide that it is over between her and the other guy.
Get some help, read a lot, as fast as you can, and be ready to move towards making decisions. You have a lot of issues facing you, so get educated as soon as you can and best of luck!
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http://www.survivinginfidelity.com
September 29th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
something similar happened to me.. however I did not get a chance to get married (thank god) .. me and my ex gf lived together for 3 years and then we finally bought a house… about 1 month after we moved in, she dumped me and now she’s on "party mode" she’s 22 I’m 25.. I stopped talking to her completely and moved out of the house.. I’m too young to be tying myself down to a house, also there’s tons of memories I need to forget .. so i got my own apartment and I haven’t talked to her in a while and not planning on making any contact with her… one thing I learned is that LIFE GOES ON.. move on like i did… yeah it hurts but it’ll get better… I also go to counseling at my church once a week… try to volunteer somewhere as well.. it’ll make you feel better
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personal experience
September 29th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Buy your own book for your class. Tell her you want a divorce. Sell the house and divide the profit (if there is any) and if you owe more than it is worth, just walk away. She does not love or respect you. She is a cheater and will always be. Get as far away from her as you can, find someone you can trust, and have a happy life. You will be miserable as long as you are holding on to this loser.
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September 29th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Have a straight forward discussion with her. Ask her if she’s still interested in being married to you. If she is, she’ll have to go to marital counseling with you and cut out all the crap.
Otherwise leave her leave her now, run don’t walk.
Good luck.
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September 29th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
You wife never has had the time to be a young free adult. I think you married way to young and she is now missing the fact that she didn’t go out with different guys, party and play the field. It sounds like she is really to immature for a monogamous marriage and if you were smart you’d cut her loose. What kind of marriage is it if she is sleeping with other men? You are demeaning yourself but putting up with it. You deserve better. File for divorce on the grounds of adultery or irreconcilable differences and give both of you the freedom you need. A lawyer will help you work out the issue of the house and mortgage but do whats best for you and let her go. I’m sorry it worked out this way but time will heal your heart and you will find a mature woman who deserves you and will love only you. Good Luck
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September 29th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
she’s the one with low self esteem???
dude, i love my wife, but if she does what your wife did, she’s punted 3 states over by my steel toe boots.
don’t ever let them forget that the love is conditional.
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September 29th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
boy you are only 21..
i can say that from what i’ve seen alot of marriages before the age of 20 has failed.. people marry to quickly and they never get to experience the young high life. once they get a taste and get selfish then they lose it all and take a turn for the worse.. majority of couples screw by letting the "young life" ruin their marriage, yet it’s what they need in order to grow up too.. it’s really selfish though to get married and then think having fun is all that matters..
it’s going to be hard but you are still a baby and have lots of time to grow.. hang with your friends and get close with your family.. bond at this time with loved ones to help get your mind off of her..
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September 29th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
She is not really into this marriage , she never was. She wants her show with you and then go with other men . She seems to be a little bit better than a street walker. And low self esteem, yea i can see why.I think you can do a lot better , just move on with your life , you have wasted enough time on her already. She is the one that committed adultery not you. So time to file for divorce and live a peaceful , better life.You can do anything you want to do but you do not need to depend on her anymore, get out there and make it all on your own and if she does not like it or will not talk to you anymore , so what? You are better off for it, you are a much better person morally then she is.
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September 29th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
If she has self esteem issues, she has a strange way of showing it! I don’t know, with all respect, if your question is legit. But here goes. It sounds like you are the one with self esteem issues. She is in effect, walking all over you! First of all, you two got married way to young and from what you wrote, neither of you really dated around before you got married. What you need to do is realize that you are a person deserving of respect and better treatment than she is affording you. You are 21, really are just starting and have your whole life before you and don’t need to waste anymore of it in this relationship than you already have.
You need to forgive her, in your heart and mind. You don’t even need to tell her and it certainly does not mean all is forgotten. Just forgive her for your own peace. Then move on. Drop her like a bad habit and lets see how long her slab of Swiss cheese wants her when she turns all her attention to him. It’s perfect for him now, all he has to do is use her then send her back until he is ready again. And if she is naive enough to think she is the only one he is seeing, then she is really stupid! As for your mortgage, let your lawyer and the court figure that out. As for forbidding her to communicate with him the most desirable tempting fruit is the one we are told not to touch. It would be a hollow threat at best. The sooner you put her behind you the faster you can get your life together and enjoy it with someone who really wants to be with you!
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